Sunday, February 17, 2013

The teletubbies: the real face of diversity. And douchebaggery.

For some weird reason unknown to me, I've wanted to write about the Teletubbies all day. Probably because I was watching tv last night, and that commercial came on where McDonald's talks about how much they value diversity but you see that every single employee is black. Last time I checked, if 100% of your workforce is of the same race, you are the exact opposite of diverse.

So this got me thinking about diversity, which led me to the Teletubbies. Now, looking back on it, that is the most fucked up show I've ever seen (sorry mom, but it is). But it is pretty diverse when you think about it. Just look at the characters.

Tinkie Winkie was obviously the most flaming big mutant, furry, robot, whatever those things were. I actually just checked. Wikipedia refers to them as a "mythological species," but I refuse to put them in the same category as unicorns. But anyway, he was purple, his antenna was an upside down triangle, and he had this big ass zebra bag that he carried around with him everywhere. If you're offended at this point, by the way, you can stop reading, because I don't care. There was nothing wrong with the fact that he was gay, but there's also no denying the fact that he was.

Dipsy looked as though he was severely economically disadvantaged. His face was really, really dirty. That, or they tried to make him the minority Teletubby, but they did a really bad job with the makeup and it ended up being really uneven. Of course, this was a British show, so they probably don't have much experience with tans. According to the Internet, they wanted to make him black and were just really bad at makeup.

Okay, Laa-Laa was obviously the special one. All the others have normal antenna shapes and hers is this weird squiggly line thing. Plus, I mean, her name really says it all.

And Po is an albino midget. Actually the Internet says she is Cantonese. So I guess never mind. Apparently she is just the one who cusses the others out in a foreign language when they piss her off.

Now the vacuum. This is where the discussion on diversity ends, and the sympathy for the vacuum begins. Seriously, the teletubbies all live together in this little Viking style house, built into a field, but hi-tech as shit, where they basically just party all day long. They eat all this custard, which has to be spiked with something, considering the fact that they are incoherent and the sun is a baby's face on fire. So guess what is poor vacuum does. That's right, it cleans up after these irresponsible jerks. They live in this little hi-tech frat house. They tickle the vacuum until it vomits custard everywhere and then they make it clean it up again. It's like some kind of fucked up act of hazing. Vacuum, you deserve better than that. Just leave them to clean up their own mess.

Now, I've ranted enough about the teletubbies, I guess it's time to delete my Internet history, so that the world doesn't think I'm on drugs.

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