Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Brace yourselves, this one actually is pretty hefty.

Okay, so I'm actually writing this yesterday, which is today, but tomorrow it will be yesterday, and tomorrow will be today. I know that's confusing, but whatever. This is going to be the single most motivational stuff I've ever written and I need to get it on cyber paper before the feeling is gone. Alright, so today (yesterday) I was feeling really upset, really down, just like the world sucks and my life sucks and bla bla bla things will never get better. But you know what? Somewhere in thinking like that, I had one of my little "epiphanies." First off, I just like the word. Second, I just really like the concept. I love it when I'm just walking around, minding my own business, then BAM, a great realisation hits me in the face. It wasn't just one of those ones where you just feel like running and you feel very motivated for about an hour and it wears off, but this is one that prompts a deep awakening, I would call it. Finally. For the past week, I've had dreams involving storms, and I'm like, thanks, subconscious, for letting me know that things are stormy. I'm not reminded of that nearly ENOUGH in my awake life. But upon interpreting it on the internet, dreaming about storms can apparently signal a "spiritual awakening" that is about to happen. So you know what? Here it is.

So, to no surprise to anyone reading this, I have had a lot of emotional shit going on lately. I've been an absolute mess, I haven't been myself, I've been this moody, sad, brooding monster who lives in her bed and tries to nap at 3 pm to shake off the intense feelings that she just doesn't want to deal with. I experienced a loss in my life that has prompted all of my inner demons to just come out and play. So I did what any emotional, creative person does, and I was like, "Hey! I'll start a blog!" So I did. I've been at it for about a week, which is a record for me and trying new things, but everyday when I write something, I can't help but notice that I don't have any followers, and the only person who comments on anything is my mom. Which is fine, and thank you mom for all the support, but I know you'll love me unconditionally no matter what, so of course you like my blog. And I did get a couple of people here and there to say that they really like it, and it's really motivated me to keep going, but I can't shake off the feeling of being nothing. To introduce a metaphor, I feel as though I'm this really intellectual person, but I'm lecturing in a dirty, poorly lit closet. I feel like this blog sits somewhere in a dark alley of the internet, and that if I didn't go out and promote it, that no one would really read it. But that's okay, because I'm reminded of a bunch of things through this:

It's a blog. It's on the internet. Do you know how many people have blogs? That's like expecting to be famous just because you have a decent singing talent. Yeah, you and about half of the population. I think about Adele, because she's awesome. Do I think Adele really expected to be famous overnight? Hell no. Did she work really hard day and night to achieve success? Hell yeah she did. There probably were a lot of times that she did just sing for her mother and that's it. There probably were times when she felt really low, I mean have you heard her album 21? That is an entire album of heartbreak. Adele probably had a TON of days where she didn't feel like getting out of bed and doing anything. But you know what? She did get out of bed, and she continued on. She sang her heart out and now she has a ton of fame, a ton of money, people love her, and to put a cherry on top, she even has what I would think is probably one of the cutest kids ever.

Alright I'm getting distracted, so I have to focus.

So I started a journal, because writing always helps me, and I was just discussing my feelings, and then all of a sudden, my fingers just started typing at lightning speed. Stuff like:

Yeah, I'm really sad now, and I'm really down, and it feels like life came up, punched me in the face, stole my wallet, and then left me there with nothing but a broken arm and a twitchy eye. But you know what? That's life. And you know what else? Nothing and I seriously mean, not a single thing in the universe is going to get better if I just allow myself to sit here and get depressed and worry about everything. NOTHING. If I continue on the same way I have, the seasons will change, but I will be the same person. Time can do everything it can for me, but I have to allow it to heal me. Kind of like cholesterol medicine. You can take it all you want, but if you're not changing your diet and exercising more, then the medicine really can't do much for you in the long run. I need to start doing things for myself. I need to start exercising and build some self confidence, because I can't rely on other people to build it for me. Yeah, I know I say and do a lot of weird stuff, and I know that I do have my imperfections, but in the long run, if you don't like me, that's your own damn problem, because I have a bunch of good qualities that you're missing out on. Yeah, I have had kids bully me through school, but you know what? The past is the past. You cannot change it. I was thinking earlier that I would give anything to go back about two months, and then I thought to myself, no. I can't relive the past. I can take the good memories, but honestly, all I have right now is the future and the present. And when you waste the present, it's a waste of the future. Time is not a renewable resource, so when you waste it, it's gone. And you won't ever get it back. At times I really wish more than anything that I could go back into the past and right all of my wrongs, but this is reality, and this is the hand I've been dealt, and it doesn't do anything for me to cry about the past. I just have to play the hand I've got the best I can.

Life has its ups and its downs. Life hands you flowers, life hands you happiness, life hands you lemons, and life can beat you to a pulp in a dark alley. Life really is a bitch sometimes. But if life didn't hand you the lemons, then you would never appreciate the flowers. If all that you ever experienced was happiness, then how the hell are you supposed to appreciate it? It just becomes normal. It becomes your day to day life. I had so much happiness in my life for the past couple of years, and while it was yanked from me, next time I experience the happiness, I will appreciate it with everything I've got. I will never take a single day for granted. Actually, I probably will at some point, since I am a human being.

It just sucks a lot some days. Some days I feel like screaming, and some days I'm so sad I can barely move, but I have to keep telling myself that things will get better. They will. This has been the longest, coldest winter I've been through in a while, and before you say something like "Actually, this winter has been pretty mild," or "You've never experienced a New England winter!" I meant metaphorically. I long for Spring each and every day, but I know that I cannot just snap my fingers and make it happen. It will take time. All good things in life take time. One day the sun will shine for me, but for now, I just have to brave the storm.

And it's going to suck. Like I said, there will still be days where I can't feel anything. There will be days that I worry incessantly about really stupid things that I shouldn't worry about. I can't help it. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make all of the anxiety go away. But I can't. Even as I write all of this motivational stuff, there is still something inside me that is constantly worrying and is sad and angry at the world. There is something inside me that wonders why everything went the way it did. I felt so empowered when I was out walking earlier, and now I feel down again. I constantly feel trapped between the rock and the hard place, but it's a reminder of the struggle I have ahead. I will get through this if it's the last thing I do. I can't snap my fingers and make everything go back to normal, but I can overcome this adversity. I will navigate the rough waters. I will weather the storm. I will become the person I am deep down inside. I am too strong not to. I've overcome this stuff before, and I'll do it again, whether things work out the way I want them to, or I ultimately end up alone. Eventually, I will look back on this and think of how far I've come. It really is a day to day struggle, but I'll fight until the end.

I now know why self confidence is so respectable and sexy. Because people really have to work for that shit.

Also, actually, I'm going to post this today, not tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. Yes, I am your Mom and I read and comment on your blogs but I do it because I like them. I think you have so much talent that it just oozes from your very being! I wish other people would take time to read your blog. I really think you have a career, even if it is just a part-time career in writing. Give yourself a chance to see that although you lost something special and precious to you that there may be someone out there who "is" willing to take that risk and love you for who you are! Sometimes the person we thought we couldn't live without turns out to be the person you can live without. There turns out to be someone better suited come along and as you said that will be when you appreciate the flowers because of the lemons you've suffered through.