Thursday, February 7, 2013

If I were on House Hunters

So, I've begun to spend my evenings watching House Hunters, party because inside of me is a little old lady just dying to get out, and also party because a part of me longs for the days where I will have established myself enough in the world to own some property. I personally like the show. I like to live vicariously through the people who have a maximum budget of $5 million and are looking for seaside property on Cape Cod, but also the people who will get to watch their kids grow up running around the open layout of a new house and wiping their grubby hands all over the stainless steel appliances and granite countertops.

Now, people always walk into these house hunts knowing exactly what they want in a house. They want stainless steel appliances, granite countertops, an open layout, a big kitchen, a nice backyard, an abnormally large master bedroom (even though you only spend a third of your life in said room, most of which is sleeping), walk in closets all over the place, there has to be two sinks in each bathroom, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO POPCORN CEILINGS TO BE FOUND ANYWHERE. Now, this may sound normal to anyone making a decent paycheck, or suburbanites who have been trained to lack any sort of originality of any kind, but honestly, to a broke college student like myself, I have decided that all I really need are four walls, a kitchen, and probably space to throw a mattress on the floor for those moments that I feel like sleeping. Oh yeah, a bathroom too. That may be useful. But anyway, watching these people with these ridiculous requests makes me think, if I were on this show, I would have to come up with a bunch of ridiculous requests too, right? So I thought long and hard about this and this is what I came up with:

1) My living room has to be facing west. I like to see the weather before it comes in, and on the off chance that I'm up in the morning, I don't want to be blinded. I would rather be blinded by the sun in the evening, when I'm more equipped to handle it.

2) I want two staircases that go to the second floor. I saw how useful this shit was on the Cosby Show. Plus, what if one staircase catches on fire and I'm stuck on the second floor? I'm not about to jump out of any windows. I will just walk down the other set of stairs to safety. If Bill Cosby has it in his house, then I bet there's a good reason for it.

3) I must have old, outdated appliances. Stuff was built to last back in the day, and lets face it, somebody needs to love the old appliances. I want to give them a safe refuge from all of the silver spoon holding suburbanites.

4) I must be at least 3.7 miles away from downtown. If I walk for at least 3.7 miles, I can burn enough calories to feel better about myself, but it's not far enough away that if I want some overpriced coffee in the middle of a snowstorm, I won't be risking my life too much to get there.

Now, I must have all of those things, and they must be within my insane, restricted budget, even though everyone knows in the end, I will pick the house that's $5,000 over my budget but comes with a pool.

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