Thursday, April 10, 2014

Stop Burning Harry Potter Books, Kidz Bop is the Real Evil

Reasons why Kidz Bop is the worst thing humans have ever done:

1. They spell "Kidz" with a Z.

This reminds me of people who still use "txting language" even though we've invented autocorrect. People who still say "coolio," and who still say stuff like "u r cool." Why are we promoting this? Seriously, it just about kills me to think that a bunch of business executives with advanced degrees sat in a room and were all like, "Hey, how do we market this stuff to kids?" and they figured that spelling something incorrectly was obviously the best way to do it.

2. They pick songs with terrible messages and think that by changing all of the bad words, that the song is magically okay for children. 

If you've ever looked at the back of a Kidz Bop CD, you find hits that you would find on any radio station, except all of the bad words are taken out and replaced by stupid phrases. I also can't stand when they sing songs that are obviously written by emotionally troubled adults. You know that song "I Don't Care (I love it)?" You know, the one where the girl crashes her car into the bridge and watches it burn after a guy (who's about twenty years older than her) dumps her? I just can't trust that song being sung by a nine year old kid. Especially since they're singing it with a big ass grin on their face, as if mental instability is hilarious. Seriously, nine year old, you don't understand. Your biggest hardship in life thus far has probably been getting a girl toy in your happy meal instead of the boy one. We all know you wanted the ninja turtle over the princess one. Go cry me a river.

3. These kids are making more money than I am. 

Seriously, go f*** yourself, nine year old singer of Kidz Bop. You lend your prepubescent voice to a cause that is cultivating a degenerate breed of children, and you are making more money per album than I will ever make in my life. 1

Another diet rant

I know I don't write in here nearly as often as I would like to, but today, I have that winning combination of something to rant about and enough free time to do so.

Before you start reading, however, I would like to warn you: this is another rant on diets. I know we really don't see enough posts about this (sarcasm), but I feel like my two cents is warranted.

What prompted this? Well, in the time that I have woken up, checked my news feed, read the news, and drank my morning cup of tea, I have been exposed to a fistful of HEY, HERE'S A DIET THAT WORKS. And you know what? They all look really stupid. I wish I had a dollar for every time I saw something that promised "fast, long lasting results." I'm sorry, that's basically an oxymoron to me. Either you like bird food (and you have never had weight problems), or you don't, and you are overweight. Forcing yourself to like salads because it's what some "diet guru" says you should is not going to work.

I guess I'm sounding a bit harsh, but honestly, I have been exposed to this my entire life. I was dealt the "bad genetics" card. My parents worked full time to support us and didn't have the time to make all of those dumb "kid approved-healthy-animal shaped-paleo-no carb-no fat" pinterest snacks. Honestly, I wouldn't have cared if my celery was dressed up to look like a caterpillar, it was still celery, and it tasted awful. I was a fat kid, but I really ate no worse than any of my friends, they all just had lightning speed metabolisms, and so I was the one who was picked on.

And honestly, that's tough. I'll be the first to admit that this definitely prompted an unhealthy relationship with food. When I got to high school, I exercised two hours a day. I never ate macaroni and cheese, and sometimes I never ate lunch. I ate low fat TV dinners for dinner, and only drank diet soda. And you know what? I never realised how miserable I was doing that. I would never even THINK of doing that stuff now, because life is too short to be miserable. If I want a cookie, I will eat one. I won't eat five, because that's bad, but I will eat one because cookies taste glorious, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar.

Now, before you get the wrong idea, being really overweight is not a healthy thing. I definitely condone diets for those who really need to lose weight for health reasons, emotional reasons, whatever, but I think that we go about them the wrong way.

1. We first establish that people are fat. According to the all knowing BMI calculator, I am morbidly obese. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't waddle, I wear an average size for jeans, I have one chin, and I am not too big to ride on amusement park rides. My cholesterol, blood pressure, and all of those other levels are all normal/healthy, and my doctor has told me that I'm not actually obese. Now, personally, I know that if I lost 15 lbs, it would be beneficial, but I've decided not to put my trust and self worth into a scale number/online calculator that doesn't understand my love for bacon.

2. We tell said "fat people" to eliminate this, eliminate that, carbs are bad, fat is bad, don't eat so much, eat six meals a day, whatever. You know what's bad? Excessive ANYTHING. If you eat nothing but salads all day, that's not healthy. If you eat your weight in pasta every day, that's bad too. Now, if you FEEL better not eating so much bread, then do it, but if you are just going to be thinking about fries all day, then you won't feel much better. We tell fat people to eat vegetables all day, but don't teach them how to grow a vegetable garden (WHICH WILL MAKE YOUR VEGGIES SO MUCH CHEAPER). Seriously, bagged lettuce and freeze dried fruit gets expensive after a while.

3. Then, we tell fat people that they need to buy all of these packaged diet foods. You know why? Because diet companies, like everyone else in the world, like receiving money. If you are eating frozen rubbery chicken, and bland broccoli every night in a tray that looks like it would feel a two year old child, then you probably won't stick to your diet. Then you feel more guilty, and buy MORE diet food that will likely not be enjoyed. We tell them to eat less, and eat better foods, but don't teach them how to make it taste good. If you eliminate the butter from your vegetables, it won't taste as good, but if you add garlic/herbs/whatever, it probably will.

4. Now, once their self esteem is completely dependent on how well their diet is going, we tell them to exercise. Exercise is SO good for you, but nobody wants to run around on a treadmill all day like a damn hamster. That's just not enjoyable. Go ride a bike. Go for a walk. Maybe you won't work up a sweat, but you're still moving. Find something you enjoy. Honestly, I can't stand workout videos (if they work for you, disregard my opinion). I can't trust anyone who looks that happy doing push-ups in a cold gym all day. Most of us don't have the time to do two hours of pilates all day, just take pride in not sitting on the couch all day.

Anyway, the weather is nice, so I'm going to go ride my bike.