Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Viva le Bacon!

Spring is finally here. And by "finally here," I mean, "it took you long enough, mother nature." It's no wonder we refer to nature as a woman. As beautiful as she is, she's definitely hormonal. Like, PMDD hormonal. Let's get Mother Nature some psychological help. We could bury some Midol in the ground or something, except I think that may piss off the EPA, so let's not. Anyway, speaking of Spring, which is great and all, allergies have hit me like a brick wall. Actually, I just sneezed after I wrote that sentence, so maybe I'm allergic to similes.

Allergies are just the worst thing ever. I mean, probably not as bad as cancer or anything, so if you have cancer, I'm sorry, but in my little "I'm young so everything revolves around me" world, allergies are the worst thing ever. It's not just the staying up late at night sneezing, or the fact that my eyes are so itchy that I am one step away from growing Wolverine nails and just blinding myself here and now, or the fact that I'm shuffling my feet everywhere and seeing the world through my little fog (Claritin really hit the nail on the head with that one), or even that I wake up in the morning with my throat being three times larger than it usually is and can't enjoy any type of food or drink. The biggest problem I have with allergies is that everything that usually annoys me annoys me three times more. I'll tell you what annoys me today. Vegans.

Now, before I begin, and manage to piss someone off the wrong way (not like I really care either way), there are two types of vegans.

1) There's the "hey guys, I'm just gonna sit here and be vegan because I want to and it doesn't bother me if you decide to eat meat because it's your right as a human being to make your own damn decisions" vegan. Also known as a milder form of Anorexia, but the people are nice, so I don't really mind. These are the kind of people who make it easy for us all to coexist peacefully. It's just kind of like, I'll sit over here with my massive BLT, and you can eat your tofu patty and soy nuts, and we can still be friends at the end of the day.

2) Then there's the "I'm vegan because I'm, evolutionarily speaking, one step above everyone and I have all the money in the damn world to spend on all of my fake, processed shit, and all the time in the world to sit around in my homegrown organic farm, and I won't stop until every damn person on the planet is also vegan" vegan. These are the people who believe that we are no better than animals, but that for some reason, humans are the only species that should willingly starve themselves for the greater good. Why is it okay for a lion to eat a steak, but not me? If we're on an even playing field with the animals, then as long as I catch it, I can eat it. According to these vegans, we should all ignore the fact that there are starving populations in other parts of the world, completely neglect a source of food, and live off of processed soy products.

So, as with everything in life, it's not your opinion that matters, it's how far up my butt you are about it that bothers me.

I was on campus the other day, just walking around, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, I'm almost run over by this girl with a piece of paper that she was asking me to sign. The paper was a petition to get more vegan options in our dining halls on campus. That would be all well and good, except that it's so damn expensive, and I'm not paying more in fees so that you can have a grand buffet of bird food. If you willingly decide to exclude like, 90% of food from your diet, you can't really complain when a campus dining hall doesn't have your favourite veggie tofu quinoa. Make that shit yourself and get out of my face.

Viva le bacon.

And Claritin. 

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