Friday, February 20, 2015

Why can't TLC just pay me to do something pointless?

Sometimes in life, you just have to appreciate the little things. One of the things that intrigue me the most (especially since reading a comprehensive history on the English language ((it was more interesting that it sounds)) ) is when we come up with words that don’t actually mean the thing that they’re supposed to mean. Like, how panda bears aren’t actually bears at all. Why don’t we call them Panda Raccoons, which is what they are? Maybe it’s because too many stupid people would associate raccoons with pandas and attempt to go pet whatever is digging through their trash. Although, I’m not too sure why you would see a bear with its huge claws and super sharp teeth and be like “Awwww it’s so cute I’M GOING TO GO PET IT.” I think it’s actually something to do with saving the Pandas. People care more about bears than raccoons.


Or maybe like “human resources,” which is literally the biggest joke in the world. Honestly, though, I know that it would be a mouthful to say something like “Humans that may or may not answer their phones/emails and if they do at all, they do it on their own time because they are too busy derping around all day,” or “humans hired to process paperwork at painfully slow speeds.”


Now that my defamation of Human Resources Depts everywhere is done and over with, I would like to get to the biggest paradox I have ever encountered in my life: TLC.


TLC, or The Learning Channel, is literally the biggest bullshit excuse of a channel ever created. I have learned nothing on that channel that I can apply to real life. It kind of reminds me of half of the core classes that I had to take in college, especially that one about Medical Ethics. When am I ever going to need to make a life or death decision on someone else’s part that involves their religious beliefs? Hopefully never. But then again, I did find out that my Rabbi professor was arrested for videotaping Jewish ladies taking ceremonial baths, so I guess anything can happen. And I’ll go ahead and write a letter to my old professor in jail and let him know that what he taught me was super helpful and I’m forever grateful that I paid like, $700 for him to tell me that Catholics don’t like abortions. It’s funny the kind of stuff you think of every time you make a student loan payment. I’ve decided that March’s loan payment will go out to the band director who gave me a B in marching band.


Anyway, diversions aside, the only thing that I remember being on TLC that was even remotely educational was Magic School Bus, which came on for 20 minutes before school started, but it was only a small glimmer of hope that was to be later crushed by marathons of “A Wedding Story.” My favourite part about the channel was the one night a week where it just showed TV shows of people who had eaten themselves out of the ability to walk out of their bedroom door. Is there anything I learned from these marathons? Only that in the case that my emotions become absolutely too much to handle, I really shouldn’t eat 20 candy bars, 2 whole rotisserie chickens, 7 ears of corn, a baby elephant, a Game of Thrones style 17 course meal and finish it off with a Ben and Jerry’s Vermonster for dessert. So far, I can safely say that I have never had that urge though.


Whatever intellectual content that was ever once on TLC, however, is gone forever now, and has been replaced by awesome trashy reality TV instead. I mean, really, 19 Kids and Counting is really just a show about a lady who covers herself up by day and perpetually puts out by night; she’s basically a baby-making werewolf. I love the show so much, because deep down, I know that the odds are too great that with 19 children, at least one has to break free and go nuts. My money is on Jinger, mostly just because her parents gave her that awful name. Or maybe even Josie, since she is apparently incapable of leaving her shirt on. Behind the blank stares and the eerie smiles and perfect long, wavy hair, you know shit is about to get real, and I’m gonna be watching when it does.


My real fascination though is with all of the shows on “little people.” I personally can understand something like that Mermaid Girl special, or “9,000 pounds and pregnant with an alien” because those are shows that show people who actually live differently than the norm. But midget shows are pretty much the ultimate paradox. The purpose of the TV show is to show us normal folk that little people can lead normal lives, and in so doing, they show us that their lives are completely fucking normal and not really worthy of a freaking TV show. I can’t think of anything more boring than watching a show like “Little People, Big World.” The only thing they do differently is that sometimes they crawl around on countertops, but hey, I do that and I’m normal sized. How am I learning anything at all from this show?


All kidding aside though, if TLC is ever willing to pay me huge dollar signs to walk around on countertops, or have a million babies, or try on wedding dresses, you bet your ass I’ll do it.

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