Thursday, April 10, 2014

Stop Burning Harry Potter Books, Kidz Bop is the Real Evil

Reasons why Kidz Bop is the worst thing humans have ever done:

1. They spell "Kidz" with a Z.

This reminds me of people who still use "txting language" even though we've invented autocorrect. People who still say "coolio," and who still say stuff like "u r cool." Why are we promoting this? Seriously, it just about kills me to think that a bunch of business executives with advanced degrees sat in a room and were all like, "Hey, how do we market this stuff to kids?" and they figured that spelling something incorrectly was obviously the best way to do it.

2. They pick songs with terrible messages and think that by changing all of the bad words, that the song is magically okay for children. 

If you've ever looked at the back of a Kidz Bop CD, you find hits that you would find on any radio station, except all of the bad words are taken out and replaced by stupid phrases. I also can't stand when they sing songs that are obviously written by emotionally troubled adults. You know that song "I Don't Care (I love it)?" You know, the one where the girl crashes her car into the bridge and watches it burn after a guy (who's about twenty years older than her) dumps her? I just can't trust that song being sung by a nine year old kid. Especially since they're singing it with a big ass grin on their face, as if mental instability is hilarious. Seriously, nine year old, you don't understand. Your biggest hardship in life thus far has probably been getting a girl toy in your happy meal instead of the boy one. We all know you wanted the ninja turtle over the princess one. Go cry me a river.

3. These kids are making more money than I am. 

Seriously, go f*** yourself, nine year old singer of Kidz Bop. You lend your prepubescent voice to a cause that is cultivating a degenerate breed of children, and you are making more money per album than I will ever make in my life. 1

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